I am half blind in love

Love, love, love, you keep making me think...did I make the right decision? Is this the right one? Is this  where I can plant everything that is me and be welcomed.

It almost always starts off feeling so perfect so in-sync just to eventually fade like some cheap clothes. Then sets in this heaviness in my stomach and in my entire body just feels like a burden, like I'm walking around in dirty clothes. 

This gets even more difficult as time goes on, I find myself trying and trying and trying to mend things that I never broke in the first place. I find myself strategizing on how can I revive things back to where they were in the beginning but after a while I begin to notice the difficulty in this process.   

 Truly I was the only one who was trying to find solutions with every conflict, they've always just gone seeking someone else to mend them, someone else to do damage control. So I ever so often became the "instigator" who should be left alone, I'm not accountable they say so silence and distance as a punishment was the only way.

In my mind I feel myself unwind it's as if I cannot escape the trauma of another but is mine to find.

So much of me was her, the martyr, really she's a gem my mother. Such purity like no other, she's always done the right thing but the demons always got her. Her reputation alone has saved the lives of other's, they'd do it just because someone was connected with Ms.Chen. 

She'd sacrifice herself until she had nothing left, and she had nothing, she came from nothing but still for someone anyone, she always had something. She was also so forgiving and forgetting but this was the perfect environments for demons to dwell in, but she never stopped trying no matter how many times she fell for attempts and her downfall. 

Yah always provided a way for my mother until it was time for me and my brother. As strong as my mother is in life she's faced a lot of challenges, most of them were unnecessary and wouldn't have came about had her decision been herself and not anyone else. I've watched her carry other peoples burdens entirely on her own no complains, then I watched myself walk in her steps and make a lot of the same mistakes until one day I began to take note of this. 

I'm sharing this because I feel I have come to a completion, the completion of a very impactful part of my mother and I wounds. The way I interact with love. I used to go about loving in a very self sacrificial manner, I was so used to people questioning my love I felt I always had to prove it, I had to make sure people knew I cared, as someone who isn't used to being verbally emotionally expressive because writing has always been my main form of communication, I found my self overly committing myself to acts of care. I'd allow people to occupy extra space in my mind so I could be pre-meditatively spontaneous and considerate towards them. 

Now, don't get me wrong I'm not considering any of the things I did bad things, I simply just lacked the discernment that I was not pouring or planting seeds into the right people that's where so much of my suffering came from, because they didn't pour back equally or plant any seeds that wasn't formidable. I was over looking peoples past, peoples actions, peoples inactions etc. I was viewing them from the lens of myself.

All along I was viewing everyone else as if we shared the same heart, same mind and same soul. Thats what I thought connection was so I failed to acknowledge individuality when it came to the heart. Which is what made me so blind, I couldn't see people for who they really were because I just kept seeing me in the mirror that they held to me. But I guess I had my face plastered with makeup for a while because when I finally took a rinse. I saw 3 side to the story. I saw them for who they truly are, I see the me I thought they needed and I see why everything needed to go this way. 

The blindness was my underestimation, not only of the circumstances but of my own potential. When I finally decided to walk through the veil, all that was left with me was clarity. 

Everything has a root, for a long time my suffering in love was due to either my desire for more or settling for potential through the views of my heart. I moved unconsciously from my traumas not knowing the roots originated in my mother.  I have found the only way to brake the cycle of self sacrifice is to choose yourself, not in a selfish way but in manner that is sovereign.

So for every time I questioned if I was making the right decision, that was my intuition telling me I wasn't, because during those times where I chose to make other happy instead of myself and settled for the crumbs of what I FED THEM, I was only killing myself, slowly and at a steady dedicated rate all because I chose to feed them and leave myself hungry. 

I hope that in this rather vague excerpt someone finds something healing. In the future I might feel the need to elaborate on this particular aspect of my life but for now.. I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS QUESTIONS: Do you remember your happiest memory as a child? or do you remember you most traumatic memory as a child? Do you find it easier to recollect more bad memories than the good? 

In life we can focus too much on the negativity we've dealt with and may or may not have difficulty letting go. This stems from our childhood school years the moment we began awakening and examining every crevice of ourself, dissecting what and which was unacceptable. This little one still lives within many of us, some of them running more rampant as you grow older. Who will take care of this little one, when you're in responsibility? 

One last thing. What's the only thing you wanted from your parent/s as a child? if you find you're still seeking those things give them to your inner child, as soon as you can get to it, do it.

YAH BLESSED